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Not OK

I have severe, clinical and ongoing depression with suicidal ideation and intrusive thought, crippling anxiety issues and DPD. I have had these conditions since 2007, am considered disabled and am unlikely to ever get better.

In December I discovered that my PIP (Personal Independence Payment) had been stopped (In October), without warning or communication by the DWP (Department of Work and Pensions).

Apparently I’d hit the time for reassessment, but because I hadn’t contacted them (because they hadn’t contacted me) my payments had stopped.

So I couldn’t restart my old claim, oh no, I had to reapply from scratch. A process that took over a year last time I had to apply.

I was getting PIP and ESA (Employment Support Allowance), both on the basis of a tribunal appeal on my original claim. Tribunal is the third and last stage of appeal, quasi-independent of the process and able to overturn earlier decisions. Something like 80% of claims rejections are overturned on appeal. That goes to show how bullshitty the entire rest of the process is.

PIP only accounts for about £240 per month, but it’s money that can really ease mental stress and strain, pay for takeout when you can’t cook, a taxi when you can’t face the crowds on public transport and various other little things that make for a more secure income and better life when you’re struggling with mental health.

Of course, over a year that’s nearly £3000, a not inconsiderable amount of money and for many people in a worse situation than me, a lifeline.

Being on disability-related benefits is not easy. Applying for this help is stressful, humiliating and ultimately unnecessary. Your GP should really be the one making the decision, not this clumsy and hostile apparatus that has been created, purposefully to deny people and put them off applying.

It’s hard to explain quite how humiliating it is. We all have illusions about ourselves, or make conscious and subconcious accomodations of our disabilities. In this process however, you’re allowed no pride, no illusions, you must reveal every weakness and trouble that you have – to a total stranger – who will then, like as not, reject your claim. So you’ve done all that, bared your soul, stripped yourself bare, for nothing.

Needless to say, this is horrendous and horrible, and weighs heavily on the health and mental health of those of us who have to jump through these hoops to get the slightest of help. Needless to say, this has been linked to a great deal of self-harm, suicide, and hardship.

For what?

Benefit fraud accounts for ~1%, and that’s all benefits. 99% of people are put through this wringer – and many people denied the help they need – for thte sake of one person. Perverse, but that’s how absurd people seem to be. They’d rather see 99 people unjustly treated for the sake of the 1% of actual cheats.

I think this hits harder, this time, because of recent arguments in my creative community, where people seem dead-set on denying that disability is limiting, on corroding escapism, and denying my disabilities simply because I disagree with them. The ‘wrong kind’ of disabled, which, ironically is a big part of the problem with getting help.

People suck, they really do – disabled people as much or as little as anyone.

Enough Already

I have a reputation at odds with the reality of who and what I am.

This is peculiar, depressing and confuses a lot of people, perhaps me most of all.

So, how does a left-anarchist, wildly progressive (in the proper sense), libertine game designer – firmly ensconced in the bottom left corner of the bottom left quadrant of the political compass – get a reputation as TurboHitler? I wish I knew.

This stuff blows up with somewhat random regularity, when something slips through the social media echo-prison I’ve been put into and I become aware of it. Usually this takes the form of some cnidarian arsehole slurping out of the depths to spread an increasingly mythologised bunch of nonsense about me.

The nonsense varies, sometimes more serious than at other times, but what it all boils down to seems to be that I disagree with people and they can’t separate their opinions from their quintessential selves.

Other high crimes of mine include:

  • Practicing tolerance, rather than just talking about it.
  • Disagreeing – from a left-wing perspective – with Critical Race Theory, Intersectionality and ‘Grievance Studies’.
  • Treating people equally, which they say they want, but actually seem to want special exceptions based on identity category.
  • That I’m racist/sexist, somehow. Usually because I’ve called out bad actors who happen to be women or racial minorities, almost all of whom have turned out to be abusive and/or creepers in the fullness of time.
  • Writing comedy books nearly 20 years ago.
  • Writing adult content RPGs (especially Gor) and playing adult content RPGs (Tabletopless).
  • Writing a blog nearly 10 years ago, in defence of free speech.
  • Supporting an anti-censorship, pro-consumer movement the same way I dought The Satanic Panic, Jack Thompson, The Vampire Panic etc. Gamergate this time.
  • It goes on, up to and including an accusation of sexual harassment/assault which appears to derive from mistaken identity, and was originally put to bed back when Google+ was a thing.

It’s all either bollocks, misunderstanding, mistaken identity or – seemingly – wilful attempts to mislead and misrepresent. None of the positive stuff I do is ever remembered.

What can one do about any of this?

Very little, other than vent.

If you ignore it, the rumours and myths spread unchallenged.

If you challenge it, your counterarguments are blocked, muted, deleted or somehow taken as evidence that you’re guilty (what?).

If you keep your head down and keep doing good things, like you always have, none of that gets traction and people you’ve never heard of are primed to hate you.

If you make do with the friends you have left, who have different beliefs to you but who you can tolerate and get on with, you suffer from guilt by association.

If you sue, they band together, pay off whatever you’re awarded against someone – with interest – and carry on collectively slandering you.

I’ve been harassed, abused and slandered by these sorts of people (conservative prudes and insufferable pseuds) since 2010 or so. Isn’t ten… fucking… years long enough to hold a misinformed grudge? There’s people who have put more effort into harassing me, harranguing my friends, sabotaging my projects and charity work, than they have their own relationships. This is not justified or healthy behaviour, and there’s nothing I can do to stop them.

The sense of betrayal and the unjustness of it all, the helplessness in the face of it, has driven me to the edge of suicide before now. If not outright betrayal, the cowardice and the lack of spine, the lack of benefit of the doubt from people I’ve known more than half my life. At the same time I’ve seen the harassment that people who do defend me or call themselves my friends suffer too. Some of that cowardice and betrayal is understandable – even if I’d never do it to anyone.

If you’re of the right identity category it seems you can leverage the slightest bit of harassment (or simply that status) into success, worthy of it or not. Yet a decade-long campaign of hatred against me counts for nothing, because white, cisgender, male, heterosexual etc.

It’s just not a ‘sexy’ story because of those things, and mental illness and disability don’t count when they’re in proximity to the badness categories.

Is it reasonable to harass someone for ten years straight?

To kinkshame?

To send them hate-notes and razorblades in the post?

To demonise them for their friendship with sex workers, and imply that friendship is untoward?

To take the time and trouble to create multiple email and social media accounts to harass someone?

To browbeat their friends into disowning them?

To pretend to be them on social media?

To force them out of anthologies of fiction?

To try and petition companies to never employ/publish/print what they make?

To sabotage their charity efforts to memorialise their dead friend?

To review-bomb everything they do?

To ‘warn’ potential new clients, customers and friends and to share blocklists so they don’t get the opportunity to talk to me themselves?

To lie about something so serious as sexual harassment or assault just to smear someone?

To call someone labels that are 180 degrees from who and what they are?

To belittle and question someone’s mental illness?

I’d say no, but what the fuck can I do about it; other than whine occasionally for a scant scintilla of catharsis?

I’m genuinely asking. I seem to be expected to just lie back and let it happen. Whether or not I try to be calm and pleasant, or I lose my temper, it seems to make no difference. I think I’m allowed to be angry after ten years of this bullshit, don’t you?

Why doesn’t the hell I’ve been put through by these cunts mean anything?

How do you fix it?

Apologse? I’ve done nothing wrong, and that would violate my principles (an apology should be meant, heartfelt, and you should have done something genuinely wrong to apologise for). Nor do apologies make any difference.

Violate all my principles and standards to get along with people?

Keep my trap shut, until I can’t stand it any more?

What!?

TL;DR – Not a well bunny (brainworms), but coping. Sorry for being short/grumpy etc, but probably not that sorry because you likely deserved it if I was short/grumpy etc with you. Genuinely sorry for not being better about keeping in touch with people this year and for my output sliding.

I’m not very well.

I haven’t felt very well for over a month now, I think.

I haven’t felt able to open up to anyone because some people overreact, and some have accused me of performatively sympathy seeking.

Overreacting the other way, if you will.

Bringing people down at Christmas also kinda sucks, and everyone has their own problems at the moment.

Lockdown hasn’t been much of an issue for me, not that different to normal life to be honest, but now that we have a vaccine it feels a lot more restricting. Mentally at least, if not otherwise.

I’m fairly high risk, due to my low lung capacity from childhood asthma, amongst other issues. It has been hard to see so many people, people I know, buying into conspiracy theories, minimising the danger and even playing fast and loose with people’s lives.

My life.

Similarly, a depressing number of people seem to have bought into the big political boondoggles of our time, and the conspiracy gibberish around them, whether it’s anti-lockdown hysteria, stolen US election hysteria or any of many others.

There’s Brexit, which is now, finally, at the end of its beginning, if only the beginning of the end. That, if anything, is even more stifling a feeling than lockdown. I see the harm it’s doing to so many lives and yet we’re all so helpless in the face of its mass stupidity.

I have my little dedicated band of haters who, again, are sabotaging every effort I make to try and do some good in the world. No amount of good I do seems to make any difference to this, no amount of effort, explanation, confrontation or defence. There’s no discussion, no conversation, no attempt to take anything said or done in anything but the worst faith and the worst interpretation.

I’m politically and socially ‘homeless’ in a way I don’t think I’ve ever felt before. Every voice of reason turns out to be a prick, and every self-styled progressive is a bonsai Stalin in waiting, contradicting everything they claim to stand for.

And I’m getting old, and like anyone getting older, you can’t help but wonder why you’re not where you thought – or hoped – you’d be.

There’s also been a few cases lately of people I thought I knew, or tried to help, turning out to be Very Bad People. You can’t help but wonder what more you could have done and how that might have prevented these things from happening.

Ultimately though, depression doesn’t have to have a reason, it just is. It’s not like any of these are things that I can do much about in any case.

It’s taking all that I have to meet my regular commitments, and I’m conscious of my abraisiveness and exhaustion, so not as communicative with my friends as I’d like to be. Less able to get organised or enthusiastic.

Hopefully this will wear off soon enough, though these bouts can go on for months.

I have an arsenal of coping mechanisms, it’ll be fine. Just… hypocritical to sit on this any more, given how much I encourage people to speak up and to try and be honest and authentic in their own lives, and how willing I am to listen to them.

It’s just yeah, people do get tired of listening. It does take effort to be there for someone, to listen to their gripes and moaning, and it’s tough if – as with depression – there’s no real solution to offer. People often say they want to listen and be there for you, but as the days become months and years that’s just not true, however true the intention is.

So yeah, there you go. I’m not myself, not sure how long it will last.

My friend Tamora often posts things that are challenging, mental health resources and ideas. I find her posts interesting because we are so different in so many ways, yet I feel a connection to her beyond our relatively few direct social interactions. We’ve both had a rough old go of it, and our coping strategies are somewhat different. Our perceptions of the world around us are also somewhat different, and she lacks the misgivings about intersectionalism and deliberate cognitive bias (standpoint) that I do.

She recently posted this graphic, and the accompanying Youtube videos, and given that it’s World Mental Health Day and given that I continue to flouder around looking for ways to process and understand my mental health issues, I thought I’d work through this as a self-examination.

I don’t get on with self-help for the most part. Positive-thinking feels like ‘woo’, much of what is taught and done feels self-indulgent, selfish and seems to encourage those attitudes in people, while excusing it.

Letting Go

Letting things go, changing behaviour in any way, seems virtually impossible. After all, we are who we are and we fall into our habits involuntarily – for the most part.

Conscious effort is constantly and consistently required to form new habits, and that’s exhausting. This also goes for letting things go. If it is in your nature to ruminate and agonise, how are you supposed to let it go?

What People Think

No man is an island, and as social creatures we do have to care about our reputations and the people around us. This is especially true if you rely on reputation and attention for a living. This is the case, to a certain extent, for everyone these days.

To an extent it’s necessary that I care what other people think of me, and it’s a source of constant frustration and heartache. I know who I am. I spend more time than is probably healthy in self-reflection and critical self-analysis.

To have a reputation at odds with who I know I am, much of it entirely, or very nearly, spurious and fictional, is a hard thing to cope with. I think I find this so difficult because I am a professional communicator, and yet it seems impossible to communicate who I am to certain people.

I should just write them off, but it feels like the failing must be mine.

Perfectionism

Anyone who regularly watches my YouTube channel knows that I fairly commonly say ‘you will make mistakes’, buy that it is worth the effort to try and be kind, to try and steelman the positions of your opposition, to try and put yourself in another person’s shoes.

I am very fond of a series of quotes from Diamond Age about hypocrisy, even though it is one of the things that I really can’t stand in most people. I have a particular problem with hypocrisy when it comes to moral grandstanding, shaming and judgement.

If someone characterises themselves as anti-racist, but then is egregiously racist and tries to excuse it by redefining racism, I find this enraging. Small scale things I can forgive, but not in myself. It’s not so much perfectionism, as this unforgiving attitude – at least towards myself.

I feel like I am striving to do my best (and failing), but that others aren’t even trying to be consistent.

Numbing and Powerlessness

Getting numb was my survival tactic for many years. I would be resilient, stoic. I would don my emotional armour and not let anything touch me. By the time I opened up again and allowed myself to feel again (well into my twenties) it proved to be a mistake and I just ended up getting hurt again.

Since 2007 I have had a diagnosis of chronic depression, general/social anxiety disorder and dependency disorder, several suicide attempts, several incidents of self-harm and a great deal of helplessness. That cannot help but make one feel powerless.

It’s not just the state of the world that makes me feel powerless, I don’t feel like I can steer my own life. I am at the mercy of unpredictable chemical changes in my brain, a severe and ongoing depression that will either kill me or be with me to the end of my days, ruining everything.

It’s hard not to feel powerless in the face of that.

Scarcity and Fear of the Dark

I have a few powerful memories from when I was very small. I used to sleep in a room just down the hall from my parents, and quite often, at night, I would get out of my bed and creep through the hall to where they were. On the same wall as my door was a small toy cupboard, where my building blocks and so on were.

One very dark night I crawled out of bed and made my way across the floor to what I thought was the door, but it was the cupboard. I shut myself in, and in the pitch black I couldn’t find the knob and couldn’t get out. Crying for my mum and dad until they found me.

So I am, actually, afraid of the dark. The pitch dark, at least. When there’s no light at all.

That said, that’s not really what this about. Scarcity and fear of the dark refer to fears of uncertainty, insecurity, catastrophisation and mental modelling of worst outcomes.

That part I do, a lot. I churn everything over in my mind constantly and it’s not entirely unhealthy to engage in analysis and decision modelling. I do it too much though.

Need for Certainty

I think this plays into the previous section. For me it’s not necessarily about certainty, but about minimising risk. When you have a long-term, debilitating illness you can’t take anything with certainty.

Comparison

How can you not compare yourself with others? That’s a guide to figuring out how you’re doing, relative to them. Sure, success for you may be different to success for them, but as a yardstick, comparison is all we have.

I have not really had the success I want, or even feel like I deserve. Meanwhile I see people elevated for terrible work, inferior work, or because they meet the ‘right’ identity categories and it’s hard not to feel resentful. This is not a very flattering thing to admit about oneself, jealousy isn’t really the right characterisation, injustice – perhaps – is.

Exhaustion as a Status Symbol & Productivity as Self-Worth

This is more of an American problem than a British problem, and more of a British problem than a European one. My problem is, primarily that I am exhausted all the time without the being productive part.

As a result, when I do have energy, when I do anything, I feel it has to be productive and worthwhile. I hardly ever do anything that is entirely for myself. It has to make money, or hone a skill, or be a gift for someone else to be justifiable.

All I have for myself, is sleep.

Anxiety as a Lifestyle

I have anxiety, this doesn’t seem assailable in any really meaningful way. Things like ‘mindfulness meditation’ attack the symptom, not the cause. This is a dysfunction that may well be neurological, rather than psychological, so other than ‘cope’, I don’t know what to do about it.

Self-Doubt and ‘Supposed To’

I am riddled with self doubt and I find it impossible to accept compliments.

I know I have competence, am even good, as a writer, creative, Games Master and games designer. However I only know this intellectually, I do not feel it.

I need affirmation, but self-affirmation is not effective and my doubt and low self-esteem prevent me truly accepting affirmation even when it does appear. This leaves me forever hungry for affirmation, afraid to solicit it, wary of being a burden and conscious of people’s loss of patience with my constant need to be shored up.

I need something that I can’t accept, even when I get it, and hate myself for soliciting it or fishing for compliments. On the opposite side of that, every criticism, every piece of bile that is flung my direction hits hard, no matter how stupid or incorrect.

Cool & Always in Control

When you can’t control much in your life, you tend to focus on the things you can control and – at least to an extent – that leaves you with self-control.

To the same extent that I have survived by creating a layer of emotional armour, intellectualisation and distance, so I have also clung to the idea of control. It’s a way to survive, something to hold on to, and while I have torn down these walls a little in the last 13 years. I have tried to be more open and vulnerable, there’s always something holding me back because this was so necessary to live.

Cultivating

These are things that you are supposed, apparently, to do more of, as opposed to the previous things, which you’re supposed to try and minimise. I’m not sure about them, but as with the previous, it’s more about – for me – analysis.

Authenticity

I have been trying to be more authentic for a while now. To be more open about who and what I am and refusing to be shamed or guilted for it, but it’s not easy.

Sometimes the pursuit of authenticity can be contradictory. I embraced my wilder fashion choices and my ‘look’ because I was disappointed in the appearance and example of other game designer when I met them. I didn’t want to be another schlub in cargo shorts and a faded t-shirt. I wanted to look the part. So in a way, that choice was inauthentic, but it presented an opportunity to be a more authentic person and to express more of my true personality in how I look.

The fear, when you are authentic, is that people will reject and even hate the real you. You won’t have the protection of knowing it’s a facade or a mask, a false front that people react badly to. It’s the real you.

That can be insurmountable, and we all have (and need) secrets. To be authentic, and vulnerable, is to invite harm, right to your core. In the online world, much like the schoolyard, to show weakness is to invite bullies. To bare your belly is to invite a gut-punch.

Self-Compassion

Can’t do it.

I can be very forgiving and understanding of others, but the more of that I have, the less forgiveness I have for myself. If all I can control is myself, then I demand a lot from myself, besides, I ‘know’ I don’t deserve it.

A Resilient Spirit

Reilience is stoicism, at least to me. This seems to be in contradiction with earlier points. Perhaps what is better meant is anti-fragility. To grow back stronger each time, rather than to resist all damage.

Gratitude & Joy

I have tried keeping a gratitude journal, but I have so little to write in it. I did this because this is one of the few self-help techniques with real, scientific backing to it but for me, just as with CBT or other positive-thinking exercises, it had no discernible effect.

As for joy, ‘anhedonia’ is a common side effect of depression and the drugs you take to treat your depression. Anhedonia is the inability to feel pleasure, let alone joy.

How can I find joy and pleasure with what may well be a neurological problem, preventing me from experiencing it? I’ve almost forgotten what it is like to feel happy, or joyful, the closest I can get is mere satisfaction, and even that is fleeting.

Intuition & Faith

Intuition is poorly tuned to modern life. Our instincts are honed by biology to tribal groups of 100 or so on the plains of primordial Africa. Our instincts are maladapted to modern megacities or the Internet. Our intuitions are only useful in small-scale, human interactions.

Faith, belief without evidence, is worse than useless. Whether it’s unfounded belief in an ideology, a religion – or indeed anything else – is dangerous, almost beyond imagining.

I do not trust either of these things, and to place any emphasis on them as a guiding light in your life feels like the worst kind of folly. To me, at least, the absolute worst example of this thinking is ‘the serenity prayer’.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

– The Serenity Prayer

You don’t know what you can change until you try, it is not brave to enact change if you know that you can, and the only way to discern the difference is to try. Prayers like this, attitudes like this, encourage the bad form of pacifisn and passivity and allow less… serene people to have free rein.

Challenge, combativeness, argument, confrontation – these aren’t necessarily bad things in and of themselves, but people treat them like they are.

Creativity

My whole life is tied up in creativity and, when I can’t be creative, it is like I don’t exist. What else do I have to offer? If I’m not making something, who – or what – am I?

Rest & Play

I rest when I sleep, when my brain lets me. My play is also my career, even when I’m playing games rather than making them, it’s all meat for the beast.

I am never at rest, I always have to be doing something, partially because of that pressure and sense of identity tied up in what I do – rather than what I am – but also because if I don’t keep myself occupied my brain starts to eat me. It’s like starvation, if you don’t eat your body starts to break itself down to keep you alive. If I don’t feed my brain, it starts to devour the rest of me.

Calm & Stillness

See above. Only sleep is a break.

Meaningful Work

I tell stories and I make games.

Intellectually I know that creative enterprises are meaningful and special. That life isn’t worth living without creativity, without art.

Emotionally though, again, this doesn’t land. What I do is frivolous, undervalued. Some of this is cultural, our culture doesn’t value art or artists as it should any more (and some of that is the fault of artists). Some of it is just that creeping self-doubt, and that constant comparison with others.

Many would define what I do as absolutely meaningless. Many of the same people who spend their lives shuffling small green pieces of paper from one place to another and pocketing a commission.

Laughter, Song & Dance

Anhedonia is a bitch, and I don’t dance.

It’s important to me to be open about my issues, to help people understand them, and me, and if that means a metaphorical boot to the groin from time to time so be it.

In the end, the only person’s opinion you have to be able to live with, is your own.

England and Wales School Guidance on Lesson Materials

Banning things, silencing people. There’s a lot of that going around these days.

Barely a day goes by without the shambling, animated corpse of the left being puppeteered into calling for someone or something to be cancelled or excised. Usually for spurious reasons. The older amongst you will remember the censors tending not to come from the left, but the right.

Conservatism has never had a particularly strong relationship with freedom of expression or freedom of speech, save when its own use of these rights is threatened. The left, traditionally did have. After all, it was through the strenuous use of these rights that art, culture, politics and so on were pushed forward. It is through these rights that the battles around liberation and civil rights were won, especially those around LGBT issues.

It is painful, and perverse, to see the ‘left’ being behind so much of the censorship push these days then, people who seem to have forgotten the value of the rights that helped win all their victories, and now only seem to understand that they hold the whip. A similar problem can be seen in today’s feminism and ‘anti-racism’, both of which seem more about revenge than justice – at least in the WEIRD countries.

There has begun to be a bit of a fightback, sadly coming from the right, dressing itself up in the clothing of free speech and free expression, but not really meaning it any more than the pseudo-left does. This just means we’re going to be caught between two sets of arseholes and called either problematic or degenerate, depending which one it is having a go at you at the time.

Two things have happened now, that exemplify this problem.

On the one hand Trump has banned a loosely defined ‘Critical Race Theory’ from being promulgated in federal departments and contractors. Doubtless his motivations are sketchy, or stem from senility, but this may be one of the few decent things he’s ever done.

Why?

Because it’s bollocks.

Implicit bias training doesn’t work, racial and other sensitivity training tends to worsen work relations, not make them better, and it’s a steaming morass of terrible scholarship, fake peer review and ‘laundered ideas’.

Still, banning it rather than demonstrating it to be worthless (or even worse) doesn’t seem like the way to do it, and it’s hypocritical to be claiming to be defending free speech, free expression and the marketplace of ideas while banning discussion of something, even though it’s bollocks.

Not to mention, this is coming from a political party tied to even worse unscientific bollocks – religion.

Then we come to the UK guidance, which has been lauded, but which is even worse. Education IS the place to explore these ideas, and to expose them as being terrible, misguided bollocks (Sokal Squared being a prime example).

They’ve amended the text a couple of times now, but even so, much as with the attempted ‘Porn Ban’, which would also have banned ‘esoteric’ and ‘politically extreme’ material, this is vast overreach and rather comedically contradicts itself by simultaneously saying you shouldn’t teach XYZ while also claiming to be protecting free speech.

“If we don’t believe in freedom of expression for those we despise, we don’t believe in it at all”.

– Chomsky

Again, I’ve altered the text but hopefully not the meaning, to avoid people going looking, unbidden.

Do you know how far I have had to internalise racism?

Do you know that you behave around me in a way that makes me a ‘coconut’?

Do you know that I ‘act white’ to keep everyone comfortable?

Do you know that I put up with abuse from white people and BAME people because I ‘pass’ and ‘suck up’?

NB: ‘Coconut’ is like ‘Oreo’ in American slang, ‘white on the inside’, whatever that even means.

Do you know how far I have had to internalise racism?

No, because that’s your own internal thought process and I’m not telepathic. I’m also not sure I buy ‘internalising’ racism (or misogyny etc) as I think it denies people’s agency and self-understanding. I’ve never been too fond of the idea of ‘false consciousness’, whatever the context, despite its occasional utility and even rarer accuracy.

Assuming it’s mean in the same way that ‘internalised misogyny’ is mean, it doesn’t seem – from the outside – as though you have. You don’t seem to accept it, or have racist attitudes about yourself and you seem to resist them in others (and that’s not a new behaviour). You even, gratifyingly, in this set of questions, acknowledge racism in the BAME community.

Do you know that you behave around me in a way that makes me a ‘coconut’?

I don’t think I have that kind of power over you (or anyone else for that matter). You make yourself who and what you are. I treat you as I strive to do anyone else, as an individual human being.

Helen Pluckrose, academic involved in Sokal Squared, put this well recently:

I refuse to attach any social or moral significance to race and I think I largely succeed at doing that. I also oppose people who do attach any social or moral significance to race on ethical grounds.

I don’t treat you as ‘white’, because I don’t believe there to be such a thing as ‘whiteness’, nor ‘blackness’, nor ‘brownness’ nor any other similar thing. I dare say I have much more in common with you than I would with someone from a Wolverhampton council estate or a Sussex manor house, colour be damned.

Do you know that I ‘act white’ to keep everyone comfortable?

No, and I don’t think you could if you wanted to, as there is no ‘white’ way to act. There might be a ‘British’ way to act and there’s a ‘middle class’ way to act, but there’s no single ‘racial’ way to act. If you are trying to be a pantomime ‘white person’, please stop!

Do you know that I put up with abuse from white people and BAME people because I ‘pass’ and ‘suck up’?

The wording is a little confusing here, making it sound like both BAME and ‘white’ people are both giving you shit for ‘passing white’ and being a suck up. I can believe that, given the ‘absolute fucking state’ of middle-class ‘white’ activism these days, but it’s unclear whether that’s what you mean, or more conventional racism.

The racism you get from BAME people for not being BAME enough, that I believe 100% and it’s the aspect of all this I find absolutely the most wearying and disappointing about the whole thing. The hypocrisy of the racist anti-racists. I mean, you (hopefully) read my previous post about my friend from Guyana, that whole ‘colourism’ thing is dumb as heck.

I’m more interested in culture, because differences are fascinating. When I meet someone I like from a different culture I try to learn something about it. The food, a few words of the language, a few concepts unique to that culture, whether it’s pepperpot stew from Guyana or the concept of ‘sisu’ from Finland.

x

I’ve altered the wording a little so people can’t go looking for it, hopefully I’ve not foxed the meaning in so doing.

A lot of you are not racist, but realise racism exists. Some of you make posts in support of BAME problems, but you’ve never talked to me about them. Why is that? If you know I experience racism, why are you surprised when I talk about it? Can you understand what it’s like to experience something all the time but to have people act surprised?

Hopefully I am long-term enough friends with this person that they can see the honesty and earnestness in my reply. I’ve decided to do it as a blog, so as to be able to tackle it in a more long-form manner, less prone to misinterpretation and with enough space to make my points in a more complete manner.

Let me break this down into sections a bit, as there’s a lot of explanation and clarity and personal experience to put into this…

Not Racist, but Know Racism Exists?

I’m not even slightly racist, but a lot of people have that impression of me – somehow – and confusingly, that seems to be because I couldn’t give a tinker’s cuss what race anyone is.

That used to be the goal, what people now derisively call ‘I don’t see colour’, but it has been a trial, and a lot of effort to get to a place of not giving two tugs of a dead dog’s cock what shade someone’s epidermis is.

I didn’t grow up in a city, I grew up rurally. Non-white faces are so rare out here that I can distinctly remember the first time I ever met an Indian (a Sikh, going door to door selling T-shirts after – I think – fleeing South Africa or Zimbabwe). That was a positive experience, he was a lovely guy who left a good impression.

My first experiences meeting people of other races have not been good.

My first experience meeting a black person was an horrendous bully who liked to pick on a disabled kid (who was also bloody awful the first time I met him, as it happens). My first experience meeting Asians was drug dealers selling to schoolchildren.

When I did begin to visit and stay in urban areas, my direct experience was not much better. A black man stripping an AK47 in the back of a car, drug dealers, gangs, racist abuse hurled at me for being white, racist abuse hurled at me for hanging out with blacks. Friends getting beaten up for being white in the wrong area. Romani aggressively going door to door or trying to push ‘lucky’ heather, drunk Poles and Russians starting fights.

I could go on.

Basically, it’s a fucking miracle that I’m not racist, but that’s in large part because, even fairly young, I recognised something else was going on and I saw much the same – almost identical – prejudice being directed at the poor kids. The poor kids also lashed out in much the same way, and in a similarly racist way to the BAME kids.

Huzzah for being a precociously socialist tween!

And that’s still where I’m coming from when I look at things going on.

I look at racism, which exists between all races, in all directions, and I see a lashing out because of deprivation. I can understand the rage of a black nationalist, and the rage of a white supremacist, but I believe both are misdirected and that class, not race, is far and away more important as a problem to tackle.

Solve the class/wealth issue and you solve most (not all) of the racism issues.

Of course, that may just be my old-school Socialist blinkers, but the statistics seem to confirm my suspicions.

Why do I not talk about it?

I don’t talk about these things much, save when it’s inescapable (like right now) because these discussions are destructive to friendships and many people take my second and third order thinking to be dismissive of their personal experiences and pain, rather than as an attempt to get to the root of the issue and find an actual solution.

Many of them also, knowingly or otherwise, express racist views themselves, which I find repugnant. ‘White privilege’ for example.

Others, as mentioned previously, take my personal choice to pay no attention whatsoever to race/gender/sexuality as being dismissive of their identity. Whereas it’s really me refusing to engage in identity politics, which I consider to be corrosive and divisive.

I’m also, constantly, like many other melanin-challenged people, told that it’s none of my business, to ‘shut up’, to ‘stay in my lane’ and not to ‘whitesplain’, or similar hostility. Even if I don’t WANT to shut up (after all, for social change they need to convince people like me, and a hell of a lot worse than me) this is all offputting and requires additional emotional energy.

Why get involved when you’re not wanted? When anything other than total and absolute agreement gets you thrown in with the handful of actual fascists?

I also don’t talk about it, because I don’t think it’s the real source of the problem. I see it, as I mentioned, as primarily a class/wealth issue and so long as we don’t tackle that (and in a race neutral way) this will all continue to fester.

Fixating on race, and terminology like ‘white privilege’ is regressive, not progressive.

Thought experiment.

Imagine a hugely deprived area, no jobs, little opportunity, poor access to education. Poor blacks, poor whites, poor hispanics, poor everyone. Then you parachute in a bunch of grants and money for BAME citizens in the area, but not the poor whites.

What sort of effect do you think that will have on that community? What sort of attitudes do you think will become prevalent in that poor white community? What sort of politics and prejudice might take root there and what kind of politicians and groups might capitalise on that?

What’s been happening? Why do we have Trump and Bojo? Why have the far right, despite still being relatively tiny, made such inroads?

Why are you surprised by racism?

I’m not, save that I almost never encounter it any more (at least from white people towards BAME people, not so much vice versa).

I used to, certainly. I recall kids (who, to be fair, didn’t know better at the time) singing racist songs in the playground.

There ain’t no black in the Union Jack, so send the bastards back.

Not so much any more.

I do encounter anti-white racism near constantly across social media and in meatspace. Largely uncommented, unpunished, without pushback. It’s not the only form of acceptable bigotry I encounter, but it is a big one.

This is another arena in which the far-right is making inroads. If racism’s not OK, it’s not OK. Full stop. It shouldn’t be any more acceptable, in even a more minor form, against white people than it should be against BAME, but some have even sought to redefine the meaning of racism to exclude their own bigotry.

That’s a breathtaking violation of principle.

Hypocrisy has always been something of a personal bugbear, and it’s intensely distressing to see people who should know better, indulging in racism.

That’s not progress.

Can you understand what it’s like to experience something constantly, but have people be surprised?

I’d, frankly, love to have people be surprised rather than hostile.

Try discussing men’s issues.

Try to bring up that 3/4 of the homeless are men, 40% of IPV victims, or the lack of male mental health specialists and provision, the lack of male primary teachers, the sentencing gap, the life expectancy gap, male genital mutilation…

Surprise would be a welcome alternative to dismissal, accusations of misogyny, inceldom and so on.

These are all much bigger issues in the UK, and even the US, than racism is. Same with class issues, but the left has forgotten its class-oriented roots, demonised the working class and nobody cares about men.

The men’s issues are in large part class issues as well (men are more likely to be impoverished), but nobody really talks about the class issues. Corbyn for all his old Labour pageantry seemed to end up captured by identity politics and wokescolding the working class and, well, look what (predictably) happened.

So yeah, I understand, but even when it comes to the men’s issues I care about (having been on the sharp end) I see those issues in broader, deeper terms of class and wealth.

I don’t think you can solve racism with more racism (or any other *ism with more of the same *ism), and so I choose to live my life with as little regard for these things as is humanly possible, and to try and find actual solutions.

This leads to no end of hatred and heartache, weirdly.

I think race issues are primarily class issues, and some societies tend to conflate the two. America particularly. I look at the way council estate hoodies are treated, and the way tower-block black youths are treated and stereotyped, and there’s virtually no difference.

It’s class.

I have a friend from Guyana, and from what she has related to me Guyanese society demonstrates this confusion and conflation even more than American society.

The way she tells it Guyanese society is extremely ‘colourist’, with lighter skin being associated with the middle and upper classes and darker skin being associated with the lower classes.

This is, of course, nonsense these days. It’s a holdover from colonial times and the settlement there of whites and south asians as well as west indians, but it shows how even without the presence of whites in any significant number, people end up conflating race and class.

Of course, she, as a Canadian ex-pat of mixed heritage causes enormous confusion both in Canada and in Guyana because she doesn’t ‘fit’ either set of preconceptions.

It’s class.

Playing the race game, playing the intersectional oppression olympics only serves to divide and conquer.

I’m not OK with that.

We lost our cat Charlie today. He was an amazing, irreplacable, cat.
I wrote a thing.


Tails high brothers, a warrior joins you in Cat-Halla.

Life-Saver

Litter-Runt

Named in dream and loved in flesh.

Mole Hunter.

Mouse Catcher.

He who made a house a home.

Vole-Killer.

Partridge-Bane.

Who slew a pigeon when but a kit.

Strong-Claw.

Snaggle-Tooth.

Who hid in a drawer and fit in my hand.

Wither-Paw.

Frame-Gouger

Who ran like the wind and climbed like ivy.

Coffee-Chin

Crooked-Nose

Who warmed our bed and watched us work.

White-Belly

Pink-Beaned.

Who saved my life and kept me sane.

Round-Belly

Wall-Walker

A hearth waits for you, warm and bright.

Where a Valkyrie will scratch your chin.

Where the bowls are full of fish.

Where milk doesn’t make you sick.

Where No-Tail and your Huntress wait for you.

Where you will wait for me.

Tail high to greet me.

When my time comes.

And our spirits join again.

My familiar, my Charlie cat.

I’m watching people reacting, badly, to the forced isolation they’re being put into.

I’m hearing them tell of the strain and mental health harm they feel is being done to them through it. I’m seeing the resentment they seem to be feeling towards being forced to rely on social media and other distanced communication.

It’s hard not to feel… well, I don’t know what I feel exactly, but it’s not pleasant.

This is my life you’re living.

I live it all the time.

So many of you seem to consider it almost unbearable.

I live out in the sticks, so I’m physically isolated and too much trouble for people to take the time to come see me. It’s also more trouble for me to get out and see people, especially combined with other things.

My anxiety and depression make me unreliable to get together with people in the best of circumstances, and not the best company when I can get together with people.

I try not to whinge and complain too much, it’s tiresome for everyone, but maybe people will be a bit more sympathetic without me having to now.

I’ve been trying to find things to do that help people who are isolated. I’ve been commissioning more work, trying to host RPG games online, shifting my schedule to make accessible, cheap, helpful things first. I’ve always been proud of the gaming and writing communities for the way they come together, but it just doesn’t seem to be happening so much this time around.

Maybe we’re too divided over everything now, and even a pandemic can’t bring us back together.

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA

Smoke curled from the long ash of the Dunhill, twisting its way across the room like a fragment of grey silk until it met the draft from the cracked window, which finally shattered it. The cigarette sat, ignored, in Gathercole’s mouth as he hunched over the spilt guts of several radios. His hands moved from the Ersa soldering iron to the screwdriver, taking the radios apart and putting them back together time and again. Every now and again, he would stop, reference his scattered notes, and make the tiniest of additional adjustments.

Besides the valves, wires, copper spools and flexible solder, the table was littered with a bewildering array of minerals and chemicals, each in its own, little folded paper cup and labelled in Gathercole’s hurried scrawl. There was silicon, germanium, crystalline tin, iron pyrites, sulphur, red selenium, oxide of uranium and even a single, red-cast diamond. This last piece stuck in place with a gob of spirit-gum, just in case. Finally, there were a few little fragments of rock crystal, carefully marked ‘dig site’.

Gathercole finally remembered the cigarette and stubbed it out amongst its fallen brothers in his beaten-copper ashtray, and continued his work. One after another, he was testing the radios with different substances. Replacing one crystal with another, painstakingly tuning the radio and it’s power level, referencing his notebooks, making notes and taking it all apart again.

Crispin’s head appeared through the square entry to the attic, hair tousled, eyes bruised and watery, a childish pout upon his lips.

“William, chap, is there the slightest possibility you could cease all this infernal radio screeching. I have the most beastly hangover.”

Gathercole carefully set the Ersa to one side, ensuring the nib was not in contact with the table.

“I’m inspired, Crispin. I have to pursue this line of thought to its end, or I shan’t be able to rest.”

Crispin clambered up the ladder the rest of the way into the attic. “I shan’t be able to rest until you stop. What the bloody hell are you doing anyway?”

“Since you ask…”

Crispin groaned, too late in realising his mistake, and sat – in his pyjamas – on an old valise to endure the lecture.

“… I’m sure you’re aware that until recently radios used crystals as a rectifier.”

“I did not know that. Nor do I know what a rectifier is.”

“Well, for your sake we can consider it to be a sort of translator. Radio waves are translated by the rectifier, typically galena crystals, into a signal that can be resolved as sound. Valves and amplifiers have made them outdated, which means I picked up these old radios and their headsets rather cheaply.”

“Hurrah,” Crispin absently patted his pyjama pockets in a futile quest for a cigarette. “Lend me a Dunhill, would you?”

Gathercole obliged. “Well, there’s no reason why other semi-conducting crystals shouldn’t be used. We use galena for convenience. I hypothesise that certain types of crystal may be better suited to tuning into the energistic vibrations of the spirit plane and, thereby, translating them into sound.”

His lighter flicked and Crispin sat back, taking a long drag on the cigarette. “Hence all the shrieking, the very cries of the damned.”

“If only,” Gathercole sighed wistfully. “Alas, it only seems to be interference. No tones or voices, no signals from the beyond as yet. Despite amplifying the signal using the more modern technology and despite focussing on the signal range that seems to trouble the spirits the most when we use the radio pentacle.”

“Perhaps,” Crispin opined. “Perhaps the spirits don’t like that frequency, which is why they react so badly to it. In which case, they would hardly be transmitting at that frequency, right? We find middle C with C sharp above rather jarring and unpleasant, and so we don’t play it in our musical combinations. Unless one is deliberately perverse of course.”

Gathercole considered that for a moment. “You may well be right, in which case, I need to re-test all these samples.”

As Gathercole turned back to the radios and they began to shriek again, Crispin retreated back down the ladder. “I’m going to the bloody pub for a late breakfast and the hair of the dog, I intend to stay there until I’m sure you’ve wound up this infernal racket.”

Gathercole vaguely waved, not really paying attention.

Hours of hard work, breathing in the fumes from the soldering iron, fingers raw from the pricking ends and twisting coils of wire, Gathercole finally thought he heard something. Was it simply ringing from straining to hear anything? He was fixated upon even the slightest sound to the degree that his own heartbeat and the shifting joint of his jaw had already given him false alarms.

His hand moved, almost imperceptibly, on the dials. He clutched the headphones tighter to his head, closed his eyes and held his breath.

No, there was something, a voice, the faintest and most indistinct hint of a voice, buzzing and alien, but definitely forming syllables. Was it English or some other language? John Dee’s language of the angels, or something more esoteric? What would they speak in hell? English? German? Both?

He frowned furiously, eyes screwed tightly shut as he tinkered, gingerly amplifying the signal, turning up the power through his ersatz spiderweb of wiring.

…zzzilzzzeazzz…

Zil? Eaz? He was missing something, some crucial element. Could the spirits hear him? Past experience appeared to suggest that the abnatural world could perceive the natural one, without special equipment or capabilities. There was no harm in trying.

“Spirits! Can you hear me?” He called out, in a slightly faltering voice.

…zzzzonfirmedzzzz…

Confirmed! Clear as day.

“Do you have any messages for me?” Again he strained to listen, held his breath and closed his eyes so tight that patterns of phosphenes strobed across his vision.

…zzzdeathzzzzzundredzzz…

“Hundreds of deaths? Are you trying to warn me of something, ghost? Are you playing a trick on me? Who will die? How many?”

…zzzzzincesszzzz…

A princess? Perhaps Princess Elizabeth, barely more than a year old. Who or what could threaten royalty in such a way, let alone hundreds of deaths? Gathercole’s mind raced, scattershot, trying to imagine such a tragedy. Irish republicans perhaps, or some bomb-flinging anarchist. More likely, however, was the idea that the spirits were lying to him. Every witch-book and grimoire he had ever perused would suggest so, as would the very Bible itself.

There was a sudden creak, far louder than the radio signal, and Gathercole started, twisting his head towards the source. Crispin’s head, combed and neat this time, already smoking, stuck up through the attic’s hole.

“By Jove, are you still at it? Did you even have luncheon?”

Gathercole took off his headset. “No, I got lost in the work, but I am hungry now you mention it. I shall come down for some tea and something to eat in a moment. I want you to listen to this though, I think I’ve had a result.”

Gathercole proffered the headset and, with some reluctance, Crispin climbed the rest of the way in. He swayed – a little drunkenly – over to the table and put on the headset to listen.

Gathercole watched Crispin’s expression as he concentrated on the sound. At first, he simply looked annoyed. After a time there was a look of surprise, and then a more serious visage of concentration – eyes closed, holding the headset on with both hands.

Things continued in this vein for some time. Gathercole searched Crispin’s face for any sign, any recognition, any confirmation of what he had heard.

Crispin’s eyebrows shot up for a second time, but then – perplexingly – his mouth turned into a rather smug-looking smile. He listened still, for an agonisingly long moment and then slowly took the headphones off again.

“Do you hear it?” Gathercole was practically vibrating in anticipation, but Crispin wasn’t giving anything away.

“I need to show you something. Come downstairs. I’ll make you something to eat, you needn’t bother doing it yourself.”

Gathercole frowned but did as he was bidden, following Crispin down the creaky ladder and back into the more civilised parts of the house, away from the dust and electronic detritus, blinking into the light. Crispin led him, gently, into the kitchen and turned on the radio, busying himself at the stove with some bacon as Gathercole stood, at a loose end, beside the table.

“What are you showing me?” Gathercole frowned, twisting left and right and twisting his lips to one side of his face in consternation.

Crispin pressed his finger to his lips and then pointed to the radio, as bacon began to sizzle in the pan.

It was a news bulletin on the BBC, the usual dull goings-on in the world. Crispin was addicted to current affairs, forever burying his head in a newspaper or sat near the radio. He always had the worries of the world buzzing in his ear. Gathercole, for his part, found it far too distracting from his studies and experiments. He only showed interest in the worlds of science and the abnormal. The mundane progress of laws, or the threat of another war, that was unbearable.

Gathercole frowned as he listened, and then swore as it became clear.

“…Terrible news from Brazil. The liner the SS Principessa Mafalda, out of Italy, suffered a catastrophic mechanical failure and sank, with the loss of some three-hundred souls…”

“Ah. Bugger,” Gathercole growled, now the hazy words from the radio made sense. Not spirits from beyond, but the BBC signal breaking through his slapdash improvisations and reconstructions. “Not everything can be supernatural, I suppose, failures are still results, and useful ones.”

“I know your pride stings William, you’re still the only spiritualist I know who isn’t a liar and a fraud. Here,” he set the little plate down on the table. “Bacon sandwich, no crusts.”

“Let me just go and turn everything off. Any chance of a cup of coffee?”

“Every chance.”

Gathercole trudged up back up the stairs and wearily clambered up the ladder, drifting around the room as he half-heartedly tidied up and closed the window.

“It’s getting cold!” Came a shout from below.

Gathercole stopped by the radio which was still humming and crackling, emitting the occasional noise. He held the earphones up one last time and gave the dial a slow turn.

…gzzzlazzz…

Half a word, ‘glass’ perhaps, then hideous piping, distorted and alien through the tangled mess of his Frankenstein’s wireless. He switched it off with a slight chuckle.

“Doesn’t do to become too persuaded of one’s own genius,” he murmured to himself, and then realised that he really was hungry after all.