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Posts Tagged ‘humour’

Ex-Mas

0e4On the first day of Ex-Mas that mad bitch gave to me… my old shirt that now smells of pee.

On the second day of Ex-Mas that mad bitch gave to me… two restraining orders and my old shirt that now smells of pee.

On the third day of Ex-Mas that mad bitch gave to me… three letter box turds, two restraining orders and my old shirt that now smells of pee.

On the fourth day of Ex-Mas that that mad bitch gave to me… four bunnies boiling, three letter box turds, two restraining orders and my old shirt that now smells of pee.

On the fifth day of Ex-Mas that mad bitch gave to me… FIVE NASTY THINGS, four bunnies boiling, three letter box turds, two restraining orders and my old shirt that now smells of pee.

On the sixth day of Ex-Mas that mad bitch gave to me… six obscene phone calls, FIVE NASTY THINGS, four bunnies boiling, three letter box turds, two restraining orders and my old shirt that now smells of pee.

On the seventh day of Ex-Mas that mad bitch gave to me… seven pleading emails, six obscene phone calls, FIVE NASTY THINGS, four bunnies boiling, three letter box turds, two restraining orders and my old shirt that now smells of pee.

On the eighth day of Ex-Mas that mad bitch gave to me… eight rape accusations, seven pleading emails, six obscene phone calls, FIVE NASTY THINGS, four bunnies boiling, three letter box turds, two restraining orders and my old shirt that now smells of pee.

On the ninth day of Ex-Mas that mad bitch gave to me… nine naked selfies, eight rape accusations, seven pleading emails, six obscene phone calls, FIVE NASTY THINGS, four bunnies boiling, three letter box turds, two restraining orders and my old shirt that now smells of pee.

On the tenth day of Ex-Mas that mad bitch gave to me… ten Facebook creepers, nine naked selfies, eight rape accusations, seven pleading emails, six obscene phone calls, FIVE NASTY THINGS, four bunnies boiling, three letter box turds, two restraining orders and my old shirt that now smells of pee.

On the eleventh day of Ex-Mas that mad bitch gave to me… eleven gripers griping, ten Facebook creepers, nine naked selfies, eight rape accusations, seven pleading emails, six obscene phone calls, FIVE NASTY THINGS, four bunnies boiling, three letter box turds, two restraining orders and my old shirt that now smells of pee.

On the twelfth day of Ex-Mas that mad bitch sent to me… twelve crazy drunk texts, eleven gripers griping, ten Facebook creepers, nine naked selfies, eight rape accusations, seven pleading emails, six obscene phone calls, FIVE NASTY THINGS, four bunnies boiling, three letter box turds, two restraining orders and my old shirt that now smells of pee.

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1. The letter from HR didn’t cite ‘insufficiently squamous’ as a reason you were let go.

2. The company contraction isn’t down to ‘key markets being devoured by legions of the undead‘.

3. You will actually have time to spend your redundancy money before a comet hits the Earth. Probably.

4. If the business folded because you were ‘Left Behind’┬áthere will probably be some fun openings in sin-related industries soon.

5. Now that the Reptilians have taken over there may be less technology jobs, but I hear they’ve got lots of openings in catering.

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naked_lawn_mow

a blink of sunshine and out he comes
sunburned belly, shoulders, bum
he marches to the mowers thrum
it’s a british summer

ear-splitting screeches, kids at play
take your dog and get it spayed
socks and sandals every day
it’s a british summer

prayers for autumn, comes to nought
wasps drank all the booze we bought
dodging showers is a sport
it’s a british summer

spend most of it in the pub
dining on reheated grub
give those nettle stings a rub
it’s a british summer

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