And a Crappy New Year

TL;DR – Not a well bunny (brainworms), but coping. Sorry for being short/grumpy etc, but probably not that sorry because you likely deserved it if I was short/grumpy etc with you. Genuinely sorry for not being better about keeping in touch with people this year and for my output sliding.

I’m not very well.

I haven’t felt very well for over a month now, I think.

I haven’t felt able to open up to anyone because some people overreact, and some have accused me of performatively sympathy seeking.

Overreacting the other way, if you will.

Bringing people down at Christmas also kinda sucks, and everyone has their own problems at the moment.

Lockdown hasn’t been much of an issue for me, not that different to normal life to be honest, but now that we have a vaccine it feels a lot more restricting. Mentally at least, if not otherwise.

I’m fairly high risk, due to my low lung capacity from childhood asthma, amongst other issues. It has been hard to see so many people, people I know, buying into conspiracy theories, minimising the danger and even playing fast and loose with people’s lives.

My life.

Similarly, a depressing number of people seem to have bought into the big political boondoggles of our time, and the conspiracy gibberish around them, whether it’s anti-lockdown hysteria, stolen US election hysteria or any of many others.

There’s Brexit, which is now, finally, at the end of its beginning, if only the beginning of the end. That, if anything, is even more stifling a feeling than lockdown. I see the harm it’s doing to so many lives and yet we’re all so helpless in the face of its mass stupidity.

I have my little dedicated band of haters who, again, are sabotaging every effort I make to try and do some good in the world. No amount of good I do seems to make any difference to this, no amount of effort, explanation, confrontation or defence. There’s no discussion, no conversation, no attempt to take anything said or done in anything but the worst faith and the worst interpretation.

I’m politically and socially ‘homeless’ in a way I don’t think I’ve ever felt before. Every voice of reason turns out to be a prick, and every self-styled progressive is a bonsai Stalin in waiting, contradicting everything they claim to stand for.

And I’m getting old, and like anyone getting older, you can’t help but wonder why you’re not where you thought – or hoped – you’d be.

There’s also been a few cases lately of people I thought I knew, or tried to help, turning out to be Very Bad People. You can’t help but wonder what more you could have done and how that might have prevented these things from happening.

Ultimately though, depression doesn’t have to have a reason, it just is. It’s not like any of these are things that I can do much about in any case.

It’s taking all that I have to meet my regular commitments, and I’m conscious of my abraisiveness and exhaustion, so not as communicative with my friends as I’d like to be. Less able to get organised or enthusiastic.

Hopefully this will wear off soon enough, though these bouts can go on for months.

I have an arsenal of coping mechanisms, it’ll be fine. Just… hypocritical to sit on this any more, given how much I encourage people to speak up and to try and be honest and authentic in their own lives, and how willing I am to listen to them.

It’s just yeah, people do get tired of listening. It does take effort to be there for someone, to listen to their gripes and moaning, and it’s tough if – as with depression – there’s no real solution to offer. People often say they want to listen and be there for you, but as the days become months and years that’s just not true, however true the intention is.

So yeah, there you go. I’m not myself, not sure how long it will last.